Handstands

I could water the desert with the amount of tears I've shed for you
Bet I could have found a cure for cancer if I had refocused all that energy
But you were an ever hungry leech
Always unsatisfied and sucking the life out of me
So I left your painful embrace in search of happiness
But I found that your torture became my foundation
So I just crumbled everytime I made the decision to leave
What do I do now that we are permanently seperated
Stop the whole world from spinning?
Travel all the way back to the beginning?
Then maybe fight for everything that I know you believed in
Because I know now there were things that should have been said
Should have pulled those thoughts from our heads
Problem is I cannot change these things
Your short existance has come to an end and even though it was significant

The water keeps flowing and the world keeps on spinning
So I have to attempt to comprehend all our short comings
All your flaws that I never noticed before
They are ugly, yet they still fit perfectly with mine
All the misteps that we made are still footprints side by side
All the stars we gazed upon, they're still perfectly aligned
And I feel so small sometimes without you finishing my sentences

But I know it's not as hopeless as it seems

The melancholy tends to be relentless
But I cant fret over broken dreams
I have to let go now and I know you understand
So if your looking for me ill be right here waiting
In the grave yard of our love

doing handstands

Hold

What a hold
In life and after
After such a tragic storm
You're still here
My perfect disaster
What a hold
To make me stop living
Even though I am breathing
To fade away colors
That were once so bold
To turn our warmest memories
Into something dead and cold
what a hold you must have
what a hold

Crossroads

All the things I'll regret when I'm old
The morals I've bought and sold
Oh I use to be nice
and I used to be kind
But we all grow a little bit cold

I remember when I began to fold
when I came to this fork in the road
I took that wrong turn
And it turned me around
Can't tell if it's for better or worse

I know I let people down slow
And I've been to the lowest low
But when I'm ten feet tall
when I'm not so small
I'll be standing on my own

There are truths I will never know
In the past that I have to let go
It haunts me for now
but if I turn back around
Ill know which way I'll go

The Binge

They've been churning in my gut
all the feelings I have swallowed
Wish I could vomit them back up
But it would only leave me shallow
I had this appetite for us
And all our empty words
Never felt so damn untouched
I think I like the way it hurts
All the whispered little lies
They soon become my truth
And all my logical ties
I severed them just for you
But you didn't notice my pain
Even when I was bleeding
And I still hung on to the remains
Even when you were leaving
It has to end, and yet I flounder
held by your gravitational pull
and sometimes I sit and wonder
If I will ever really be full

My Dear Ghost

Here I go again
The pre-show ritual
Thinking of you in complete silence
You have nothing left to sing
So you're no longer my competition
Yet somehow
I'm the one who lost everything
Oh river in the sky, what is unrequited love?
It's the air that I breathe
It's me and only me
With just myself as company
it's the voice that never answers me
when I ask 'do you  love me?'
Look at me now my dear ghost
I'm all covered in black
even in my shinny red tap shoes
and my sparkly dress
Keep on smiling
Good thing these strangers can't see through me
Don't worry my dear ghost
I'm still your clown when your not looking
And inside I'm breaking down
But look at all shows I'm booking
These blank faces in the crowd
I don't  trust them anymore
And how about that? Suddenly the applause is just to loud
I miss your voice saying nice things whenever I was nervous
and then when I felt good you were taking me back down
But I understood
God knows none you could ever shine with me around
But I still miss your voice
It's true
And sometimes I look at old photographs of me and you
But I imagine the stories behind them
To be something much more pleasant
Like that time in my head where you and I had a picnic
And you threw a big hissy fit
cause all these bugs got in it
And you only calmed down
when I started laughing at you
Then we laid there and just talked
Just us two
But these are things that never were
Things that could never ever be
And I have to come to terms
With the fact that you betrayed me
I have to climb that pedestal
and take down your memories
I have to face the fact that now… there's just me
The undefeated one
The last one standing
And I can barely hold back the tears
But I keep 
dancing
dancing
dancing

The morning after

artwork by yours truly

It's a strange day today
in my head
in my dreams
in my twisted demented reality
its a strange strange day
and the rain is tinted red
running down my drain
I wished for it
I asked for it
what a strange day
my reflections not the same today
it's so crooked
I was so beautiful before
and now I'm in ruins
but thats because I was so stupid
Am so stupid
Now that girl I used to be
5 years ago
she turns to me
she says "what have you done to us,
what have you done to me"
I've given up my dignity
Hoping I could get close
But I never did
I lost myself trying to find him
I'm sorry I let you down
Sorry I've broken us
But I had no choice
I was… am…was in love
failure
And it almost feels good
this is what it feels like
It burns
And I think that it should
But why did he let danger back in
Because I wasn't his problem
And why didn't I fight
Because I wasn't my problem
besides
why even try
I knew I would never win
I never do
In fact
I've never won a single thing
I'm sorry I let us grow cold
I was so warm before
I'm sorry I let us grow cold
I just don't care anymore
these memories won't go away
I'm not sure I want them to
What a strange day
Being happily torn in two

The Story of Us

We were the legend
that no one will ever mention
because bravery escaped us both
I have to believe that now
And though we barely touched
Your fingerprints permanently grace my skin
And though you never said you loved me
My heart was the only place you ever fit in
And we barely held on
It was just 22 months
But it felt like my whole life
Like an eternity
But that's what we were
Don't you get it?
We were everything
they didn't write our story down
because the world couldn't handle it
this bond that we had
they didn't know what to call it
You were the only one that understood me
the one that got to me
My impenetrable  wall of wit and independence
All you did was smile
And it came tumbling down brick by brick by brick
But I still saw so much more than you
While you were playing with matches and gasoline
I was thinking things through
And I burned when you burned
And I bled when you bled
And now I keep all our memories inside my head
And it breaks my spirit each day
But someone has to remember it
Because they were important
Those 22 months that we lived
We were not  Romeo or Juliet
We were so much better than that
something that never got touched or ruined
something magic, something magnificent
You were my favorite mistake
You were so damn brilliant
The shiniest nail in my coffin
I was built to be broken by you
And you were born to be torn in two
There should have been a song about  us
our unlabeled, untouched, unlawful perfection
our self-destructive pile of machinery and rust
A shiny bit of nothing
and still...we sure were something
We were the heroes of the story
yes we were the legend
the one and only legend
that no one will ever mention

This used to be a funhouse

Are you using up your tokens
Are you still playing with disguises
I know your so damn used to winning
Don't you want to choose the prizes
See I used to do it too
Play a pointless game or two
Then I had to grow up
But you just couldn't let it go
You just wanted to waste time
You had your enablers approval
So you didn't need mine
So now she's twiddling her thumbs
And now I've gone a little numb
And you can not do anything
I guess we're all a little dumb
So I refuse to stop living
I refuse to not go on
And all of this for nothing
We just wanted to have fun 

We just wanted to have fun

Living in a glass house

Im in trouble with my friend
He's giving me that look again
Seems I crushed his precious feelings
living in a glass house
He said down here its fine to lie
He said down here we never cry
I'll be putting on a smile
Well until you turn around
And now I feel a little weak
The good intentions of the meek
I should have turned the other cheek
living in a glass house

The carpenter and the painter

I’m trying really hard here
To piece together my heart
I used like fifty thousand nails
But it just falls back apart

I guess I need some super glue
But all I have are some screws
And the pieces all stay put
Until I remember you

So why do I even bother
You were the carpenter
I only painted pretty pictures
Of what our life could be

But you already had plans
You built all these dull walls
With your bare hands
And I just stood by and watched

As they eventually caved in
Despite all of your good intentions
You made it clear it was your trade
I’m just an artist with a vision


Now all that’s left is ashes and debris
Along with dreams that we let wither
If you were here to see this mess
I bet you would reconsider

Sleepwalkers

Did you visit me last night
Was it my imagination
Are you stuck between two worlds
Unsure of your destination
Am I mentally unstable
Or just emotionally unstable
Can we ever let this go
Were we ever really able
If this you, the real you
Could you tell me the truth
Could you tell me if you loved me
The same way that I loved you
Should we ignore the real world
Here in this empty space
We could build new walls around us
But I know its just a waste
Should we pretend we're unaware
Of the secrets that we keep
Will we open up our eyes
Or stay forever half asleep

My name is Alice

My name is Alice
But this is not a wonderland
He welcomed me into his palace
I was afraid to hold his hand
Cause I was too afraid to fall
I was to afraid to fall

He offered me a little cup
But it was already half empty
I still pulled a chair up
And I watched him watching me
He got bored soon enough
But he still fascinates me

Then he led me to his room
And we talked and we laughed
About insignificant things
Little details of our past
And I felt something, should have ran
But I’ve never been that fast

We made it our daily routine
To do these couple-y things
And I could tell he was just friendly
Just wanted someone to listen
I wish he loved me to
I wish he could understand
I wish he felt the way I do
But I know that he cant

I am not a queen
And I am not a heart breaker
I could never be that mean
And all he wants is her
I could never be that cruel
I could never rule this land
My name is Alice
But this is not a wonderland

Picking up the pieces

Are you the one?
I used to think that he was
But I guess that I was wrong
When it was all said and done
I made such a fuss
Now the world is laughing at us
They all think that we should give up
It will be a difficult task
To fall in love...I mean truly in love
Not that useless confusing Hollywood stuff
See we'll have to start from scratch
Then polish each other back up
Sure we'll get blood on our hands
But we'll do all we can
To pick the pieces back up

So maybe there isn't just one someone
Maybe there are way to many
And there are oh so many parts
And we can't control any
And the world is laughing at us
It's true
The world wants us to be brand new
Because if we were smart
We would avoid used hearts
I'm glad I'm just as foolish as you

adieu

I begged you
Something I once swore I'ld never do
Please don't leave me
But you've got things to do
Wings that need to be used
Invisible mountains to move
You have no time left for me
Must you leave so soon?
Heaven can wait right?
Yes heaven can wait
But not for you

Cosmic Love

A light in the window

In the sky

Shining, blinding, so bright

As it passes by

I reach for it 

As it catches my eyes

And it's you again

It always is

Leading me into the moon light

So very familiar

This mysterious journey we take

And we dance in the air

leaving trails in outer-space

This will all leave in the morning

So lets hold on tight

I try to breath

I try to capture your sparks

But they burn right through me

Leaving us in the dark

You held my hand that night

And I cherished the pain

Then in the twilight 

We remained

We remained

peace on earth...

*

it was a war he did not choose
khmer rouge, cambodia
inhumanely tagged with numbers
and beaten with impunity,
watched helplessly in silence
as four siblings literally starved to death,
risked getting shot down in a hail of bullets, 
just to go outside the barbed wire gates
so tonight dinner won't have to be
rice and fish again,
but he escaped death
to a refugee camp in a strange land
and they captured one moment in time
a remnant of a war he did not choose
which today it sits in a picture frame
ironically inscribed,
yesterday's memories
today's treasures.


*remembering all those who suffer as victims of war, and praying for peace on earth.  won't you please join me?

*give thanks to my Sis, Belle, for allowing me to come by and play in her yard. 
one love, Se'lah.

Goodbye

This is where I let you go
And I know it's a long time coming
So many months since you've been gone
So many months I spent alone
Who were you to me anyway?
But a friend, and a bad friend at that
And still with all your disappointment
I wanted you to stay
I know now you cannot love a ghost
My love for me is what matters the most
Took me so many months to figure out
So many months to breath
I know now that you were everything I wanted
But nothing that I need
So this is where I let you go
Finally
I'll go up on the roof
I just figure Ill be a little closer to you
I’ll make one last wish
With my eyes wide shut and a smile on my face
Just sending waves into outer space
And I hope that you can hear me
I hope that you can hear me when I say
Goodbye
I love you... and goodbye

Dont Look Down

I remember when I was fearless
Bravery was second nature
Being young and so free
I never thought the things I love
Could fall beneath my feet
Could slip right through my fingers
As I was flying way above
But we have to grow
We have to clip our little wings
We have to learn about pain
We have to lose our innocence
But I never wished to be grounded
Still I'm forced to be here
Locked in a never ending struggle
Surrounded by pavement and fear
If only I could get back up
If my heart was not so heavy
If I didn't have this future
Weighing down on me
Weighing down
So I just close my eyes
And I lift off of the ground
lost in the clouds like Amelia
come down little girl
come down

Fragile

It was bound to happen
We knew it had to happen
All this pulling and this stretching
And this tugging and bending
So why was I so surprised
Did I think I was invincible
Did I think that I could handle it
The way that I did before
Not this time
This time it hurts to much to ignore
I guess I've reached my breaking point
Theres always a breaking point
But I was trying to cheat the system
With hope and a glue gun
Thought I could piece things back together
But I'm just another victim
Another love fool with a broken heart
Now I see just what you did
In your eyes I was a child
I was never Superwoman
But I was always fragile
I was always fragile

Superman

You smiled and i saw sparks
Shame on you
Shame on me
Both to naive to see the truth
Is that why i carry this torch?
Burning me with every touch
But i don't even notice
Cause you were perfect
I was perfect
We both knew that we were worth it
Or maybe i just imagined it
Either way we could have had it all
I'll just fly away
So i wont be part of this train wreck
So i wont witness this tragedy
And now your saying don't leave home
Now you claim im not alone
But i  can feel it
You want to save her
But i know your losing
Superman had his weakness
So is she your kryptonite
Should i sit and watch her take your strength?
Make you weak and defenseless
But you want to let her
I don't have your super powers
I cant leap over every obstacle
And now you get it
This time the good guys lose
And we aren't putting up a fight
why? just to follow the rules
Cant love anyone but her
Because its written
But so is you untimely demise