People constantly ask me how I'm doing and I always say fine. Truth is I'm usually not fine. I either feel good or I feel horrible. I don't live in the in between like most people do. Those days are long gone. I am not sure when things became so black and white for me but I know why they did. If that makes any sense… which I am sure it doesn't.
I just do not have the luxury to see the glass half full as I am gulping it down. My college days are coming to an end and I did not have a great time the way most people did. The same thing happened when I graduated high school and when I left my teenage years behind forever. It's like damn I promised myself things would be better by this age. But they aren't better at all.Well most of family gave me the nickname "miserable". I guess they don't realize how hurtful that is. Maybe they don't care (and if you could see how hilarious they think it is to call me that and see that look on my face you would probably agree).I used to be very happy always smiling despite the horrible nickname which ironically ( or not so ironically ) was the only thing that made me sad. I wasn't always cynical, I was hopeful and naive. But when your dreams blow up in your face over and over and over again… you have to grow up.
Sure I will graduate from college, get a job , and a car. I will live a mundane life like everyone else and be able to say I am educated. Strut around the city with some unearned sense of accomplishment. But I will never see the world, be wealthy, be a movie star, a famous author, a fashion designer, a singer… a wife.
Don't get me wrong these things are all possible but they are not probable. I want my dreams to be probable. But that's a dream in and of itself. I don't hate being me like I did when I was younger, those days are long gone as well. In fact I actually love me now that I am away from poisonous people . I have friends and family who all love me and think I'm hilarious (though I admit I often hide behind humor).I just wish I could actually get what I want for once and not just what I need. Maybe focusing on school is great for my "future" but I want to have fun. I want to have the crazy life I should have had when I was a teenager ( If those were my best years then I'm screwed lol). I want the guy I like to like me back… just once. I want someone to do something special for me.To look at me and see me really see me. But most of all I want to not feel so alone in a room full of people. I hate that feeling.
I do try to be happy. I fake it most of the time with the hope that it will actually become a reality. But as soon as I'm alone in my room, I have to face myself. Yes it is insane. But to be me, you have to be talented, strong,and brave. Very brave. I manage to be all of these things and none of these things at the same time. It's a complicated life I lead. So to save my friends and curious strangers the headache of my disturbing thoughts… I say that I'm fine. Things are just easier that way and most people don't actually care to begin with.